


Omission of Guilt

by powerspring



Series: A Rush of Blood to the Head [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Non-Explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 02:34:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11911395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/powerspring/pseuds/powerspring
Summary: Magnus and Alec head home after the celebration party and come to realise that they may have had a few more things to talk about than they thought.





	Omission of Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Adding to the mountainous pile of post 2x20 Malec fluff/ Keeping myself alive during this hiatus. Warning that I do switch between POV every other sentence, so I hope I’ve made it clear enough for ya. (I also formally apologise for my most likely awful use of the Indonesian language, forgive me.)

 

 

 

_Honey you are the rock_

_Upon which I stand_

_And I came here to talk_

_I hope you understand_

_You’re the one_

_That I wanted to find_

_And anyone who tried to deny you_

_Must be out of their mind_

_Cause I came here with a load_

_And it feels so much lighter_

_Now I met you_

_A_ _nd honey you should know_

_That I could never go on_

_Without you_

 

_\- Coldplay, ‘Green Eyes’_

 

 

The rain that had soaked the New York pavements made its reappearance when they were halfway home. Magnus held the hand that wasn’t entwined with Alec’s up to the sky to greet the first few drops.

“Portal?” he queried.

Alec smiled with a tinge of sadness. He never wanted this moment to end, for Magnus’ hand to slip out of his or the euphoria he felt to leave his body. It was comparable to the bone deep, shattering relief he had felt when he saw Jace standing next to Lake Lyn. Every aspect of his current situation was so right, so natural, like he had been underwater for the past few days and had only now allowed himself to breathe. He looked over at Magnus, lips curving at the flicker of worry in Magnus’ eyes when he saw the hint of melancholy in Alec’s expression.

“I’m sorry. It’s just... I want to savour this. Right now, here, us. For a moment I didn’t think I would ever get to have this again.”

Magnus smiled sadly at him, pain thudding quietly in his chest at Alec’s words.

“I understand.” He drew in a long breath, as if steeling himself for something.

“Alec… I want you to know that I’m sorry too. I avoided you, ignored you, because I thought I was making things easier for myself in the long run. I convinced myself that the only way I could protect my family, my people, was to cut myself off from you.”

Magnus fixed his eyes on the sidewalk in front of him as he spoke, but Alec continued to gaze at him as they walked, concern painting his features. He gripped Magnus’ hand a little tighter.

“Being around you would have been too hard. Reminding myself of what I had lost, what I couldn’t have… I was wrong. Wrong to think that, and wrong to treat you that way. So I’m sorry, Alexander. Truly. Hurting you was always the absolute last thing I ever wanted to do.”

Alec heard the sincerity ringing true in every syllable, and something in his chest loosened. A feeling like relief, like a reaffirmation of some vital belief settled over him.

“I know that,” he replied softly. Magnus still hadn’t looked at him. The rain was getting stronger now, and Alec felt water slipping down his collar. He shook his shoulders to expel the strange feeling, only causing more water to dislodge from his hair and drip down onto his face. He gave up with a resigned groan and ceased walking, Magnus coming to a stop beside him. Alec looked back down at his boyfriend with a soft smile, to find Magnus staring at him with amusement.

“Let’s go home.”

 

 

 

The portal flared into existence just outside the front door of the loft. The pair stepped through, hands still linked, and Magnus pushed open the front door with a flick of his wrist and a brief burst of blue sparks. He had barely managed to close it behind them before Alec had him pushed up against it, grip tearing from Magnus’ hand to fist in the warlock’s hair. Alec kissed him with surprising intensity, stealing the air from Magnus’ chest like it was his own life force, his other hand flying up to hold Magnus’ jaw as he kissed him senselessly. The feel of Alec’s mouth on his, his soft lips and velvety tongue was something Magnus didn’t think he’d ever get quite used to. It was the worst drug in existence, capable of wiping his mind and bringing him to his knees in a matter of seconds. But he fought to keep his senses and brought his hands up to Alec’s chest to push him back gently, instead of tearing off his shirt like he wanted to, until he could see Alec’s face in full. Alec just smiled at him openly, face so full of love and pure, unbridled joy that Magnus forgot his intentions for a brief moment.

“Alec. Before we do anything more, we still have a lot to talk through. I don’t want to leave us with any resentments, any misunderstandings.”

Alec’s smiled dropped in intensity, but stayed present.

“We could talk... later?” he said, and his grin became mischievous, hinting at exactly what would occur between now and ‘later.’

“Alexander” Magnus said firmly, and his tone left no room for negotiation.

Alec sighed and the smile left his face completely, eyes dropping down and tiredness immediately sweeping over his features. He dropped his hands from Magnus’ hair and ran them through his own instead, breathing out a sigh of trepidation before looking back up to Magnus.

“Okay. Let’s talk.”

Magnus nodded and his gaze pulled away to the side, adams apple bobbing slightly as he swallowed. He seemed to consider something for a moment before he took up Alec’s hand again and pulled him further into the loft. Alec let himself be led, lamb-like, until the two finally settled on the couch, facing each other. Alec stared for a moment past Magnus’ shoulder, out at the rain that streaked down the windows and the blurry lights of Brooklyn beyond, before focusing in again on Magnus’ face, waiting quietly for the other man to start speaking. Magnus pulled both of Alec’s hands together in his lap and cradled them in his own, thumb stroking softly over the sharp callouses on the Shadowhunter's knuckles. He trapped Alec’s stare in his.

“I love you, Alexander,” he began. “So much so it actually scares me. And I forgive you, for lying to me, just as much as I am sorry for the ways in which I have hurt you. But.. I feel a need to make sure you understand why your lie hurt me so much. To understand why honesty is so important to me.”

Alec nodded, his gaze serious and intent on Magnus’ face.

“If there’s one thing you learn from a life as long as mine, it’s that anyone can betray you. No matter who they are or what they mean to you, everyone has that capability.’’

Alec’s heart twinged at the ancient, incomprehensible sadness that glanced over Magnus’ face.

“Camille convinced me that she loved me, but I was never more than a plaything for her. Etta felt like she was the love of all my centuries, the one I had waited for… but I was not enough even for her. Even my mother, the one person who was meant to irrevocably love me, protect me, could not stand to live with the knowledge of what I was.”

Magnus’ eyes had drifted down to their joint hands at the discussion of his past, but they darted back up at Alec’s sharp intake of breath and softened to see the heartbreak shining clear in Alec’s eyes.

“I don’t say these things to make you pity me, or to force guilt upon you. Yours was a small betrayal in comparison, and I understand why you did it. But I need you to understand why I acted the way I did. I do not want to seem petty to you, or easily frightened. I was just… just so sure, of you, of your honesty. I still am,” he clarified quickly in response to Alec’s horrified expression.

“But for a moment I convinced myself that you were just like the others. Another in a long line of heartbreakers, traitors, liars and cheats, another reason to keep my heart boarded up for the rest of eternity just to avoid the pain of having it ripped open. That.. that is why I reacted in the manner that I did.”

Magnus ended his speech slumped in against himself, clenching his jaw to force his eyes to stay dry. He met Alec’s eyes again once he felt ready to find a tear trailing down his boyfriend's cheek. He immediately wiped it dry, and kept his hand on Alec’s face, smiling at him uncertainly. Alec drew in another sharp breath.

“Magnus,” he said, and his voice sounded pleading. “I’m so - I don’t think I could ever tell you how sorry I am.” Alec looked at an utter loss for words, his jaw working and his face stricken.

“It’s okay, Alec. I know.” Magnus had a bittersweet smile on his face as he stroked Alec’s cheek, and watched the man’s face soothe slowly under his touch. Alec closed his eyes and leaned slightly into Magnus’ hand for a heartbeat, then looked his boyfriend in the face and sucked in a whistling breath.

“I hope you know I meant it when I said I don’t think I can live without you.”

Once again, Magnus was struck dumb by the weight of the words combined with the pure, angelic intention in Alec’s eyes.

“I mean it, Magnus. You may not be able to predict the future, and neither can I. I could die tomorrow, or next week, or a year from now. But I swear to you that I will _never_ leave you. I don’t think I could if I tried. I… I know we will always be in difficult place to make decisions from. We both have a large number of people relying on us, day in and day out. But I promise you, right now, I will always be honest with you.”

Magnus felt the emotion rising up inside his chest like the walls of a dam had burst open.

“And I love you too.” Alec smiled wistfully. “You are so much more than enough.”

Magnus couldn’t stand it another second. He lunged forward and caught Alec’s last words in his mouth, the force of his movement propelling them backwards until he had Alec stretched out on his couch. The heat of Alec’s body beneath him ignited his senses, waking up nerve endings and making his entire body quiver. A flex of magic had their coats transported to the hooks at the door, and Alec ground up against Magnus at the sudden lack of fabric between them. Magnus tangled both hands in Alec’s dark hair and kissed him deeply, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth and pulling a soft moan out of the Shadowhunter beneath him.

He pulled back suddenly, taken by the urge to look Alec in the eyes again. He hummed happily at the flush that had settled on Alec’s cheeks and the feel of his hands stroking lightly down the length of Magnus’ torso. He felt his heart, so physically present in his chest, yearning to leap off that cliff again, to lay himself open to the thrill of absolute trust in another person. But the small voice in his head, a culmination of countless years of loneliness and heartbreak, pulled him back from the edge for the time being. Magnus wasn’t concerned. He knew he would trust Alec completely again, just as much as he knew this love was truly different. It would just take time, that was all, and time had always been the one thing Magnus had plenty of. He felt the surety settle over him; Alec was special. He was something else, something new, something that Magnus in all his centuries had yet to encounter, and the warlock was damned if he was going to stop himself from appreciating this one for all his worth.

“Magnus?” Alec’s worried voice broke through his reverie. He focused back on Alec’s face to see his brows knitted in confusion.

“Sorry, darling. Just lost in thought for a moment.”

Alec frowned. “You wanna talk about it?”

Magnus smiled softly. “Not in the slightest.”

Alec grinned wickedly at the sultry intonations in Magnus’ words, and pulled him down by the back of the neck until their mouths met again. Magnus whimpered at the contact, sending the blood rushing downwards in Alec’s body. The Shadowhunter arched his back and seared his lips against Magnus’, hard enough to bruise, before tasting the inside of Magnus’ mouth with a flick of his tongue. _Yes_ , Magnus thought, _this is it. This is how it’s meant to be_.

Before he had taken stock of what his hands were doing they had ripped Alec’s shirt halfway down the middle, revealing more of the skin and spidery black runes that he had come to know and worship so well. Alec inhaled in surprise, then let out a breathy whine when Magnus smoothed his hands over his chest, caressing softly. Alec impatiently tugged up the hem of Magnus’ shirt.

“Get this off?”

Magnus chuckled low in his chest and sat up, his thighs straddling Alec on either side. Another small flourish of his hand had both of their shirts on the floor, and he smirked to see the way Alec’s pupils dilated when he saw Magnus’ bare torso. Before he had the chance to make another move Alec was gripping the backs of his thighs and levering himself upright, swinging his legs to the floor and standing up in one fluid movement. Magnus laughed bemusedly and clutched his legs around Alec’s waist, locking his hands around the back of his neck as Alec walked them determinedly through the loft and doing his best to obstruct Alec's view by kissing every inch of his face he could reach.

"Magnus - fucking _quit_ it, _Jesus_ , would you just - I can't-"

Magnus just laughed harder until Alec's irritated expression dissolved into a soft, exasperated smile. They fell down on the bed together, Alec crowding Magnus against the mattress, all the intensity rushing back in a matter of seconds, and Magnus thought that there was perhaps no place he felt safer than when Alec was on top of him, his tall frame blocking out the surroundings, the heat of his skin burning away his fears, the look in his eyes making Magnus forget that anything else existed outside the circle of Alec’s arms. And then they were kissing again, desperately, like the only way they could get air was to steal it from one another, all teeth and tongue and hard, bruising intensity that made the heat curl and flicker in Magnus’ belly. Alec broke off to gasp in a breath and dropped his head into the crevice between Magnus’ head and shoulder, sucking and nipping at the skin, eliciting sinful moans out of the warlock’s mouth that made shivers run down Alec’s spine.

“My… god… _Alexander_.”

Alec couldn’t help but quirk his lips. He adored how sensitive Magnus’ neck was. Magnus felt Alec’s smile against his skin and, sensing his boyfriend’s smugness, wasted no time in gathering his elbows underneath him and pushing Alec over until he sat on top again. Alec’s breath whomped out of him as his head hit the pillow, and he barely had time to suck another in before Magnus attacked his mouth again, moving quickly over his jaw and running his tongue along Alec’s deflect rune until the Shadowhunter moaned and writhed underneath him. Magnus pulled back again and Alec whined softly in protest, but Magnus couldn’t pass up an opportunity to see Alec like this, his hair bed-wrecked, cheeks flushed with colour, his lips red and swollen and his eyes lidded and heavy, gazing up at Magnus with a magnitude of lust and love and desire and trust. Magnus had seen countless beautiful sights in his life, but he couldn’t remember anything that took his breath away quite like this. He took another second to sear the image into his brain, determined to never forget this sight, before resuming his worship of Alec’s neck.

It didn’t take long for each article of clothing to end up strewn somewhere on the bed or floor, the two coaxing and teasing each other on with touches and kisses and heated moans. When he was finally, _finally_ joined with Magnus, Alec’s heart nearly palpitated from the overwhelming sensation, how _right_ it felt. Magnus’ eyes flickered from brow to luminous gold as he lowered himself onto Alec, and he left the glamour down, the force of his gaze sending shivers down Alec's spine. They quickly and easily became lost in each other, fervently breathing out names and endearments, moans ripping from throats and hands clutching desperately at skin and sheets. Time became transcendent, the world narrowing to a tiny bubble surrounding them both.

Magnus began profaning loudly in Indonesian as he drew close, and the alien words spurred just spurred Alec on further - "Ya Tuhan, ya, aku mencintaimu, disana, _disana_ , tuhan ya disana".  His voice cut out suddenly as he climaxed, his eyes scrunched painfully tight and mouth open in shock.

Alec took only a few more seconds to let go, losing all sense of rhythm as his body convulsed, until with one last snap of his hips he finished with a loud cry cut off at his throat and his head thrown back and digging into the pillow, hands marking bruises onto Magnus’ hips with the force that he clutched them with.

Alec was suddenly blanketed with Magnus’ weight when the warlock’s muscles spasmed and he collapsed against Alec’s chest. Alec hummed contentedly at the feeling and wrapped his arms lazily around his boyfriend’s back.

“In terms of makeup sex,” Magnus mumbled quietly against Alec’s chest, “that was…”

His voice trailed off into a yawn but Alec thought he heard a garbled “pretty fantastic” somewhere in there. Alec smirked and lifted his head to drop an affectionate kiss in Magnus’ hair. After another minute or two, Magnus shifted his hips slightly to disconnect their bodies, wincing at the feeling of loss, and slid off his boyfriend’s body to nestle into his side instead, tucking his head in Alec’s neck. Alec pulled the covers up to Magnus’ chin, not missing the crackle of blue sparks that left both their bodies clean.

“Magnus?"

"Mhmm?"

"Before you go to sleep, could you turn the lights off please? I would, but I really don’t want to get up right now.”

Magnus smiled tiredly at Alec's soft sheepishness, keeping his eyes shut, and pressed a chaste kiss to Alec’s collarbone.

“Nor do I want you to.”

The lights in the loft all went out at once.

Magnus drifted slowly to sleep, and hadn't quite got there when he realised that something wasn't right. Magnus had inadvertently become incredibly familiar with the sound of Alec’s heartbeat as he went to sleep; he took every chance he got to pillow his head on Alec’s shoulder whenever they slept together. A good ten minutes had passed since he had turned the lights off, yet Alec’s heart was yet to slow down to it’s usual meandering, steady pace.

It meant he was thinking about something important.

Magnus pressed another kiss against Alec’s chest and whispered to him.

“Something wrong?”

“Huh?” Alec sounded surprised.

“You seem to be internally agonizing over something.”

Alec laughed quietly. “I’m not even gonna ask how you know that.”

Magnus smiled and waited for Alec to elaborate. When he didn’t, Magnus nudged him with an elbow.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Alec sighed heavily.

“I guess”

Magnus waited, and this time Alec spoke again.

“I’ve been thinking about a few things. I… I don’t understand what happened at Lake Lyn. He died, Magnus. I knew it. I felt it. I was so sure I felt his heart stop, as sure as I am that the sun rises in the east. You saw it, right? How my rune disappeared? What else could make that happen?’

It was Magnus’ turn to let out a weighted sigh.

“I did see, Alexander. And… I’ve been thinking about how that could have occurred too. The only thing that makes sense to me is that Jace did die. There’s no method I’ve ever heard of to successfully replicate the effect losing a parabatai has on a Nephilim. Jace died at Lake Lyn.”

Magnus could almost hear Alec’s confusion in the air.

“But then… how?”

“Is it not obvious, Alec? Think. Valentine raised Raziel, but died before he could destroy the Downworld. Who else was there who had a wish only the angel could grant?”

Alec inhaled in surprise.

“Clary? But… she could have had anything in the world. Her mom back, Simon a human again… she chose Jace?”

Magnus sighed exasperatedly.

“You really don’t think much of her, do you?”

“No, no, it’s not that. I guess I just didn’t… realise, how much she must love Jace.”

Alec paused, and when he spoke again his voice was full of reverent gratitude.

“I owe her so much, don’t I?”

Magnus snorted softly.

“I doubt she thought of you when she did it.”

Alec chuckled. “I guess not.”

Magnus closed his eyes again, assuming the conversation had drawn to a close, but Alec had other ideas.

“There’s something else I don’t understand.”

Magnus smiled. “Go on.”

“Those people you talked about, your mother and Etta and Camille… Was there never one? One person who stayed with you?”

Magnus had stilled, eyes blinked open like a deer in headlights at Alec’s question. Alec sensed his distress and waited patiently. After a few weighted minutes, Magnus spoke.

“There was… one. Once.”

Alec waited.

“She was the first. The first great love of my life. The first one, the only one, to choose me to spend all her years with. It was lifetimes ago, but she was the only one.”

Alec felt, as he often did when Magnus talked about his past, an overwhelming mixture of awe and insignificance and gratitude and confusion. It was like he was standing on the edge of the universe. This thing was so largely incomprehensible to him it was near terrifying, yet he still felt grateful to be a part of it, and a burning desire to know more. Alec wholly understood the magnitude of this moment, the privileged glimpse he had into Magnus’ past. Yet…

“I still don’t… I can’t believe that, out of, what, seventeen thousand -”

Magnus cut him off with a snort. “A profound exaggeration, my dear.”

“ - still, I don’t get it.”

“I don’t think I see what you’re getting at, Alexander.”

Alec huffed out a breath.

“How could so many people have the opportunity, the privilege to have you, out of all the people in this world… and still not be satisfied? How could anyone ever think they were going to do better than you?”

Magnus was quiet again. When he spoke, his voice sounded thicker than normal.

“Believe it or not, Alexander, I’m not as wonderful as you see me to be. It frightens some people, the thought that I was alive long before they were born and will be alive long after they die. Some cannot handle the idea of growing old while I stay the same. Some, as you know, have been repulsed by what I am.”

“Who you are” Alec said firmly.

Magnus gave a weak smile that Alec didn’t see.

“Yes, who. And… warlocks are barren, too. I can never have children. That can also tend to be a deal breaker.”

Magnus waited for a moment on tenterhooks to see how Alec would take this revelation. But as always, the shadowhunter surprised him.

“I know that.” Alec said plainly. “It never mattered to me, nor should it to anyone. Adoption is relatively easy nowadays anyway.”

Magnus made a choking noise. “Wha - I - you - what?”

Alec had frozen, gone stiff like cardboard underneath Magnus. The warlock lifted his head and snapped his fingers to bring some light to the room so he could see Alec’s face. Under the warm glow, he saw that Alec wore a mortified expression.

“Alexander, darling. What did you just say?”

Alec shook his head once. He seemed incapable of speech, terrified of Magnus’ reaction.

Magnus beamed at Alec, letting the bubble of happiness that was building in his gut spill onto his face. Alec relaxed instantly. He still looked nervous, but less like he was about to vomit.

“Is… would, I mean, um, would you… have you ever wanted that?”

Magnus tucked his head back into Alec's shoulder, doing his best to exude nonchalance.

"I suppose... it's never really been something I've had the opportunity to consider." Alec was silent.

"Is that..." Magnus felt the words stick in his throat for a moment. "Is that something you want? Would want, one day?"

Alec's heart was hammering in his chest so hard Magnus feared it would burst from his skin.

"Yeah. Yeah, I - I think so."

Magnus felt struck for words. The thought of creating a family, of having the one thing he had observed for centuries but never experienced for himself, with this wonderful, kind, loving man that he loved so much, was absolutely too much to bear. He struggled to find his voice again.

"I think I would want that too."

His heart, which had been teetering at the edge of that cliff all night, wasted no more time in falling completely. Magnus knew, both with a joyful satisfaction and contented resignation, that there was no getting it back.

 


End file.
